Bare with me

Now. The starting point of this writing is the pressing desire to write. It is a sort of hyper attention deficit desire, at least these are the first words in English that come to my mind when trying to describe it. "So why an English teacher?" an English colleague asked me the day we have all successfully finished the teacher course. Why do I write in English, is something that makes me think. First of all, it is a challenge, and it is also quite subversive. The kind of denial that is functioning in writing in Hungarian, for me, seems to be different to the denial working in English. My mother does not speak English, she will not be able to read what I write in English. Neither does my father. At this point I will try not to go further into that, as I have read quite a few times about the perils of discussing one's personal emotional history publicly. At least before one had some luck processing it. It can become intellectual. I mean, one can become preoccupied with thinking about trauma without feeling the old pain, or without even realizing that one is not feeling but is only thinking about stuff.

I am looking at my notes from this week, and I will put some of them down here. So. It feels like jumping down from a cliff. Or rather, when you climb higher on a wall, and it becomes more and more scary and your hands start to sweat. My hands sweat.

"Be a hero or die trying" was the title of an article on wingsuit base jumping. I don't think that you should be a hero, or will be a hero, or more precisely, I do not think that the point is to become a hero. Those jumpers who died did not become heros, or if they have, that is not the point, that was not their genuine aim, I suppose. Rather, it connects to that Alan Watts talk excerpt on "if money was no object". Now the whole sentence wants to be a link. I have no idea how to get rid of this. But here we go. I have picked this "But here we go" up from an elderly English guy. The browser froze as I tried to fix the hyperlink and now I lost track of what I wanted to say. Nevertheless... Although I have no idea why this particular form of existence, the other day I had an enlightening experience and saw clearly that although I have no idea why this particular form of existence, only in this form of existence the sublime beauty of the music of an Eric Dolphy or Thelonious Monk can be experienced. In 1965 McCoy Tyner and Elvin Jones left John Coltrane because they could not hear anything but noise. Coltrane in his subjective experience resonated with his music. What does this connect to? For example.

I envision readers turning away in disgust or simply bored. This is why people do not write, and this is why people isolate themselves. Shame. Because of the feeling of shame. To contribute to healing our collective wounds is one of my aims with this sort of self expression. Before you die, what can you do to live life to the fullest, to be respectful and loyal to yourself, to your own call? Jodorowsky says in one of his talks that if one wants to play the piano, one can start to do it, and that the important thing is to start. He has his spoon and mountain analogy that connects. We can move a mountain with a spoon. We can start moving it. I see a lot of people "living" in a sort of inertia, or catatonia, a state of self abandonment, seemingly not being aware of their own state of mind or of their options to change. This catatonic state of being is destructive to life.

I am not happy to see the kind of traffic that exists in London. The other day I felt like a grain of sand waiting for the light to change watching hundreds of cars roaring by, with only one person sitting in each of them, and I thought, what is going on with humanity? This issue might sound trivial and I know, most people don't even notice, and probably that is why it exists. To me it is not trivial, I felt alien, those people in their cars have a completely different view of life and why is it not obvious to them that they are suffocating themselves and me and others. Get a bicycle. Why does one need the latest land rover? Preoccupation with size. Clearly there is a power issue. Am I envious? Maybe. Stanislav Grof writes somewhere about a toxic womb and how urban living and pollution is symbolic, and is an act out of a collective toxic womb experience. Get a bicycle and be proud of being part of a community that oriented itself towards becoming harmonious with nature, a community that learned to live with its environment, like cetaceans have. Learn from whales. Instead of cutting them up. By the way. The violence at the Faroese is a result of child abuse. They abuse their children, and they all take it out (act it out) on whales. sometime from conception/womb life/birth through the first years of life these people all experienced profound terror as innocent children, which they act out similarly violent ways on similarly helpless (as they were as children) creature.. this scenario is a metaphor for early childhood trauma... It is not only true of these Faroese, but probably 90% of human beings... Government protects it because individuals do not want to reexperience, face their pain, do not want to remember, there is a denial of truth, of hurtful experience.

The reason for the Faroese massacre is child abuse. Mind you, these violent communities are a threat to human beings as well as other life forms. It would be a good idea to look at their child rearing practices, from conception through the first years of life, and making that part of the discussion. The picture of a child with a dead whale embryo is telling. Innocent beings with their heads cut off, something very similar must have happened to the aggressors themselves which they are acting out. They must have been treated, when they were similarly innocent, violently. Maybe it's circumcision, or something like that. Something that most people share in their community, childhood pain that they protect with laws and army. Same story as nazis killing jews, same as jihadists beheading people.

I did follow up Captain Paul Watson's post that called for writing to Danish politicians. I wrote what I thought about the connection of child abuse and violence and urged them to look into how they are perpetuating the situation. Some of those letters might serve as good seeds and take root. 

How to change the world? It might help to consider Jodorowsky's spoon and mountain analogy. It might also help to get a bicycle and ride it instead of driving a car. You save money and resources, you can listen to podcasts or music and if at the end of the day you happened to die, you cabn have that as a genuine excuse for having lived a meaningful life. I am sure take it into account in Hell as well, when it comes to eternal suffering. We might get away with half eternal, or a lower temperature cauldron. My purpose, I thought the other day, was to give those sitting comfortably in their car having a gist of what I see of them. I am very unhappy about the noise drivers create, unhappy about toxicating the air I breathe and the space roads and cars take up. Unnatural. There is no excuse. Cars and roads must go. I imagine a London completely free of cars, where people walk barefoot on soil, where there is no need for concrete to cover the soil and where activity destructive to life is seen as such and a conscious, collective effort is made to rebalance. 

What can you do if you are locked in your house due to health issues? If you are bedbound, or abandoned by the community? Bear with me (bare with me might be more accurate), I have some ideas. This is going to be the starting point for my next post...